I’ve been following a thread in one of the Internet parenting groups that I belong to, soaking in the reasons for respecting or ignoring the instruction, “No gifts, please,” on invitations to children’s parties. Without polling the Midwest or South, I’m pretty sure this is a celebratory dilemma faced only in major metropolitan cities on either coast. I’m not saying that good things can’t come from educated, affluent, neurotic, eco-conscious moms, such as organic children’s products, but birthdays free of presents isn’t one of them.
In support of a “no gifts” policy, moms argue that a) they already have a lot of things, b) they don’t want a bunch of plastic toys, c) they don’t want to inconvenience parents with having to go buy a present, d) presents teach a child to be materialistic, etc. Some of these mommies’ ideas to replace the crappy plastic item that ruins a child’s values is a donation to a charity in the child’s name or a book that can be exchanged with another child at the party. Let's see the two-year-old's eyes light up with that one. But why beat around the bush? Instead of exposing everyone to your self-righteousness and trying to forbid all gifts (which seems to have about a 50% chance or better of being entirely ignored because parents feel completely awkward showing up to a party without a gift) why not just come out and say exactly what you’d like for your child?
The real message of “No gifts, please” is “Not your gift, please.” The inviter is fairly certain that whatever gift you would choose would be inappropriate, inadvertently shunning even those who give “donations in your name” gifts. But as it also implies that you were going to give a gift, I say why not just come out with a preference. “Please bring only organic clothing.” “Please bring only wood toys.” “Please bring children’s books in Spanish as we are bilingual.” I think for my stepson’s 10th birthday I’m going to write “Theme park passes and Lego kits appreciated.” For my son’s 2nd birthday, “Size 3 pajamas, Size 5 diapers, and Lucky gift certificates welcome.”
Does that cross the line between merely didactic to intrusive? Well, then just bring whatever. I’m sure it’s not too much of a hassle to get a book from a bookstore, coloring book or Hot Wheels from the drugstore, or one of the 5,000 gift cards at the supermarket. And I guess if your gift isn’t our cup of tea, we’ll donate it to underprivileged children. If for some reason my preschooler turns into a shopaholic from present overload, I’ll hide eight of them and save them for Hanukkah. Actually, I like this idea A LOT. So be assured, no gifts given to my children will go to waste.
I don’t need to ban gifts from my child’s birthday in order to teach him any lessons or to validate my parenting. Values are taught every day all year long, and materialism isn’t caused and charity isn't prevented from a bounty of birthday gifts. Go ahead and let down your guard for this occasion and have fun unwrapping (yes, save the bows). At some point in our lives, when each of us is ready, we learn that the greatest gifts aren’t packaged in paper or donated in our name.
